The Complete Taxonomy of Engagement Photo Poses

(From Carl Lacey’s Flickr.)

I used to wonder why people do engagement photo shoots. What are they… for? Do you not have enough pictures of the two of you together from your relationship, so you feel like you need to reach some sort of quota? Do you think that all the other photos of you that you’ve accumulated over the years look too natural? Too un-staged? Too comfortable? You suddenly realized you forgot to do a prom pose under a gentle cascade of cherry blossoms – and once you’re married it will simply be too late?

Then my friend Jessica, who was one of the most sane and elegant brides I know, told me that her wedding photographer made them do an engagement shoot. As in, it was included as a non-negotiable part of the bridal package — and if they didn’t do it, they’d essentially be wasting a paid-for hours of work. So Jessica and her husband Ben spent an afternoon jumping around in fields of wildflowers, and chose the funniest products of the shoot to use as images on their Save The Date. It was tongue-in-cheek, and cute. 

So I no longer judge people’s engagement photo shoots. Who knows why anyone does them? Maybe your parents insisted upon it, because Aunt Judith didn’t actually believe your “long distance boyfriend” was real and Mom was tired of hearing about it during lunch bunch. Or maybe you want to show off your hot future wife to all the kids from high school who only remember you as the fat kid from English class who farted while reciting “The Road Less Traveled.” Or maybe, one of you has a withering disease that will one day rob you of the ability to laugh, and you want to document as many giant, hearty chortles on camera as possible while you still can. 

Anyway, for whatever reason you do it, there are enough of them out there that I can confidently categorize all of the most clichéd kinds of pre-wedding portraits. Below, a complete taxonomy of engagement photo poses.

The “Careless Whisper”

“I have $430,000 in gambling debts.” (From @andy’s Flickr.)

The “Two People Doing Different Things In A Field”

This is like that scene in “Never Let Me Go” where they realize they are all clones. (From Yuliya Bahr’s Flickr.)

The “Kiss in an Awkward Place”

Like the back of a Volkswagon. (From Brent Payne’s Flickr.)

The “We’re About To Kiss Even Though We Just Had Taco Bell”

“No seriously, we’re going to kiss. We’re about to. In one second. Our mouths are going to touch. While open.” (From Matt Osborne’s Flickr.)

 The “Potentially Life-Threatening Pose” 

Train tracks are a very popular motif in engagement portraits. Life is a long trip, these images want you to know. And marriage is a slow, outmoded method of transportation. (From Avangard’s Flickr.)

 The “CPR”

Maybe he is sucking those laughs right out of her. It’s not a laugh-loss disease, after all. He just has Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. (From Shawn Brandow’s Flickr.)

 The “Someone Is On a Swing. Not Swinging.”

This is a very common practice among adults. (From Scott Koons’ Flickr.)

The “Stalker”

“Honey, what’s that little red light on your chest?” (From Rebecca Schley’s Flickr.)

The “Someone Is Holding Balloons”

Someone else is about to accidentally drop $13,000 in a creek. (From Chenyu Bell’s Flickr.)

The “Dog Farted”

Time to re-think the ring bearer. (From Nicole Hanusek’s Flickr.)

The “Are You Sure It’s Not Too Windy?”

I’m sure it’s not too late to get a new photographer for the wedding. (From Katie B’s Flickr)

The “Back Injury Waiting to Happen”

Also known as the “Horseplay by Couples Who Only Do Missionary.” (From Max Norskog’s Flickr.)

The “Marriage Is A Prison. Wait, What?”

Do bars really belong anywhere in this scenario? (From Liana Photography’s Flickr.)

The “Somebody’s Getting Carried”

Somebody else is about to make a very tactically erroneous joke about a bride diet in 5… 4… 3… 2… (From Christine Szeto’s Flickr.)

The “Photobomb”

Props to this photographer. (From James Rubio’s Flickr.)

The “Haunted Backdrop”

Also known as the “Trespassing at Helena Bonham Carter’s” (From Becki M. Gangi’s Flickr.)

The “Someone Is In The Background, Out Of Focus

This is where they got the idea for the “Ring” movies. (From cariberry’s Flickr.)

The “Standing At A Distance Against Exposed Brick”

This would be such a great apartment. (From Avangard Photography’s Flickr.)

The “Standing Near Rusticated Wood”

Very popular with men who wear newsboy caps and women wearing long sleeves to cover their giant tattoo of Win Butler’s face. (From chenyu-bell’s Flickr.)

The “We Have An Umbrella Even Though It Is Not Raining”

Would you sit by a fire even though it wasn’t cold? Don’t answer that. (From Brian Wolfe’s Flickr.)

The “We Aren’t Laughing The Same Amount, I’m Worried This Marriage Won’t Work”

“Also, I am marrying a character from Adult Swim.” (From Janelle’s Flickr.)

The “Ruining Formal Wear”

Anybody remember how in prom catalogs everyone was always running through waves in their tuxedos? You are never getting that deposit back from Mr. Tux. (From Claudia C’s Flickr.)

The “Taking It Too Far”

“It’s a rip tide!” (From Ryan Merrill’s Flickr.)

The “Holding Hands At An Awkward Distance”

“Should we have worn shoes for this, maybe? I mean, you did put on your dressy cargo shorts.” (From Rhonda’s Flickr.)

The “Laughing In Front Of Graffiti”

A common derivation of this one is the “Stumbling Around The Meatpacking District In Heels” (From bright fizz’s Flickr.)

The “Cry For Help”

(From Whitney Lee’s Photostream.)

The “Are We Dead Now?”

This is like a Guillermo Del Toro version of a Snuggle commercial, where the people collapse giggling onto the giant body of the beloved teddy bear. Ony to find it has been dead for three weeks. (From Angela Butler’s Flickr.)

The “Prom Pose Or Pregnant?”

This is a shotgun marriage. Have a coke. (From Stacy’s Flickr.)

The “Dancing In A Field Like Crazy People”

I like to imagine that here, there is a man behind the camera, holding a gun. (From Samantha Turchin’s Flickr).

The “We Are Lost In The Wilderness And We Will Likely Die Here”

Might as well laugh. (From Madumi’s Flickr.)

The “One Pigeon”

(From Clayton Stewart’s Flickr.)

The “Multiple Pigeons”

“INFINITE PIGEONS”